I am a student at in Uru MÄnuka. In 2020 I was a year 7 and in 2021 I will be a year 8. This is a place where I will be able to share my learning with you. Please note....some work won't be edited - just my first drafts, so there may be some surface errors. I would love your feedback, comments, thoughts and ideas.
Hi Hollie, What a great start to your story. I particularly like the way you have created a whole "back story" for the characters, rather than just saying "one day some kids found a bus". In your next section of the story I think Judey and Nova should have some kind of exciting adventure with Orfidox - maybe they could help him rescue his family from some horrible monster, or maybe hunters might capture Roxcy, Jack and Luna and Judey and Nova can help Orfidox to rescue them. Don't forget to check your punctuation - some sentences are missing their capital letters at the beginning and full stops at the end. Also, there should be a capital letter at the beginning of the words inside the speech marks (e.g. "Should we go in?" I've really enjoyed reading your story so far, and I can't wait to see the next installment. - Mr Mitchell
Thanks Mr for you feed back ,I think I can make your idea work For the last little bit of the story. And thanks for calling out the Capital letters and my punctuation. I will go fix it now :)
Please structure your comments as follows: Positive - Something done well. Thoughtful - A sentence to let us know you actually read/watched or listened to what they had to say. Helpful - Give some ideas for next time or Ask a question you want to know more about.
Hi Hollie,
ReplyDeleteWhat a great start to your story. I particularly like the way you have created a whole "back story" for the characters, rather than just saying "one day some kids found a bus".
In your next section of the story I think Judey and Nova should have some kind of exciting adventure with Orfidox - maybe they could help him rescue his family from some horrible monster, or maybe hunters might capture Roxcy, Jack and Luna and Judey and Nova can help Orfidox to rescue them.
Don't forget to check your punctuation - some sentences are missing their capital letters at the beginning and full stops at the end. Also, there should be a capital letter at the beginning of the words inside the speech marks (e.g. "Should we go in?"
I've really enjoyed reading your story so far, and I can't wait to see the next installment.
- Mr Mitchell
Thanks Mr for you feed back ,I think I can make your idea work For the last little bit of the story. And thanks for calling out the Capital letters and my punctuation. I will go fix it now :)
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